..the dance is over, but I can still hear the music

Just tired - feeling SAD..

2009-11-12T03:20:09Z

So in my head, I know these doom and gloom feelings are related to the shorter days and the normal self-reflection state I go into toward the year's end.

What have I accomplished this year? Why am I still floundering and not closer to any of my goals? I start dreading the end of the year like it's more than just a calendar position. It takes on a whole new being of it's own. Once January arrives, even though we're still in the middle of winter, I already sense the coming of fresh and new, of spring and brighter, longer days.

Ironic that the holidays fall in the middle of the worst part of the cycle for me, since I love the holidays and all the family related gatherings and celebrations. Maybe this is universal and always has been, thus the placement of the celebrations in the middle of the worst part of the cycle - to force gaiety and happiness when it's needed the most?

And maybe some of it is self-inflicted. I feel taken advantage of by people I love. I find myself feeling as if I am nothing more to them than a provider of things. It makes me feel distanced. I recognize this as my feelings and maybe not how things necessarily are...but a good friend of mine recently said "feelings are just feelings....they aren't right or wrong". I can't help that I feel this way...but it really colors my reactions to everyday situations.

I feel like I lack stability. I've always loved change and flexibility, but always as long as I feel grounded. I don't feel grounded lately, I don't seem to have much to hold onto - nothing is permanent - I rent my house, I am a contractor vs. regular employee...so on and so forth. I don't have much that grounds me.

I'm sure of nothing else at the moment except that tomorrow I will feel better. I always feel better tomorrow. It's the dark that gets me. Every. Single. Stinkin. Time.

UGH!

2009-11-10T23:23:31Z

AFTER I agree to a year long contract with DirecTV and the installation guy showed up yesterday - TODAY the Verizon folks come a-knockin' to tell me FiOS (my long awaited DREAM) is available in my area now.

WTF?

Ugh.

The second half.

2009-11-09T06:26:46Z

Friday started pretty slow - no plans - no where to go - quiet evening home with kids and movies.

Saturday up early for the weekend cleaning binge, which was a little more involved since the new satellite TV service will be installed....I've given up on Comcast...and still waiting for FiOS. Installers always mean poking around the corners we try to ignore - and the kids room has corners that become the habitat for everything-I-don't-know-where-it-goes-mom (aka I'm too lazy to put it away). George had to attend a funeral service for a friend of his youth who passed away a week or so ago, and while he was gone I get the call about another friend of ours who had a stroke. They don't have the numbers for this guy's kids - I do - so I have to make those calls. Luckily, I was able to reach all of his family and get them there...and while he is still numb on his left side, and he still has some bleeding in his brain...they feel like they're getting it under control and that he'll make it. A close call for sure...and a warning to all of us, his friends, about some of our lifestyle choices.

George said someone once said to him "You spend the first half of your life doing all sorts of stupid things trying to end it, and the second half doing everything you can to save it."

I think it's time I realized I'm in the second half.

Saturday evening we went to a friends' house for dinner. She made a Mexican clam dip and tacos with all the fixings. Every taco I have eaten in my life has come from a box or taco bell. She filled the raw shells with a meat/potato mixture and then fried them in a pan! I was shocked! It tasted ok, but it was hard to fill (with the extras, cheese, salsa, etc) since the shells were closed with a toothpick before she fried them. I loved the clam dip the best...then again...anything with sour cream, cilantro and green chillies works for me. The whole meal though, did not agree with me at all and we ended up leaving early. It's not the spices, it's the fried.

Damned second half.

It was an easy and pleasant Sunday. We finally made the roast we were going to make on Saturday, made some beef stock to freeze, did a trial run baking xmas cookies, continued cleaning, did our 'before the week starts' laundry...and headed out to another friends' house to watch the Cowboys BEAT the Eagles - ooh rah!

In the very exciting - SECOND HALF - no less. :)

YES!

2009-11-08T06:42:33Z

Thank you, Congress. THANK YOU!

Instant Gratification

2009-11-07T05:01:51Z

I avoided the urge to impulse buy the Motorola Droid today when it went on sale at the Verizon store at 6am.

It wasn't easy.

I woke up at 5:30 and thankfully, I was extremely tired. It may have been what saved me. By the time I was fully awake and coherent, I had to take a few conference calls.

Still, I plotted and strategized (ew! hate when work buzz words find their way into my regular vocabulary) on how I could get to the store, do all the necessary contract agreements, rearrange my plan structure, activate the phone and bring it home with me...before my next slew of calls.

There isn't a lot more to it. I want that phone.

But I have had a lifelong habit of not thinking things through when it comes to finances. I have been a slave to instant gratification, much to the chagrin of my parents. They dutifully raised me to be cautious, plan, save...gave me an entire skill set (damn, did it again) of how to do these things right.

Once I flew the nest, however, I left it all behind. I moved to the United States and did my duty as a citizen to boost the economy. OH BOY did I boost the economy. When I wanted it, I got it...and I wanted everything...and I wanted it all RIGHT NOW.

In my weak defense, it was just amazing to me, all the excess, all the choices! Where I grew up overseas, my choices were limited to a few local shops and the nearest PX or Commissary. The Sears and JC Penny catalogues were like Christmas. But then I moved here...and there was just so much to choose from - why choose?

And then...reality. I owed more on 50 kinds of shampoos and stupid things I threw away than a new car. I owed more than the deposit on a starter home. And I had little to show for it.

It took me over 15 years to pay off that debt.

I drug out the old skill set - it was a hard lesson.

I still fight that battle almost every day. Even though I am in a much better financial situation than I have ever been in the past, with a lucrative job and more than enough, today I won. I did not succumb.

But I won today only by consoling myself that I can still have it...I'm just going to have to wait for it and make sure it's really what I want. Force myself to read user reviews post launch and make sure it's everything I want it to be.

Writer's Block: Relive in the moment

2009-11-03T01:17:58Z

If you could relive one hour of your life so far, what would you choose and why? Would you do or say anything different? How do you think it would change your life?

View 1016 Answers

So I haven't blogged in months and figured this Writer's Block feature would be as good a start as any to try to get back in the swing of things....that said...what a hard question!

If I could relive one hour of my life so far, I'm not sure I could pick one. My goal would be to see some family members who aren't here anymore and just get a chance to tell them one more time how much I love and appreciate them. With families in 2 countries, there was never a one hour timeframe where I was with them all.

First, I'd love an hour with my American grandfather - he passed away when I was only 13 and apart from when I was a baby, we never lived in the same place so the time I had with him was limited to start with....but time with him was quality. I have wonderful memories of him getting home from work late when we were visiting, and eating ice cream (always stired until it was melted)...or sitting in his lap while he told me stories. He never read to me...everything he knew he had memorized. Poems, short stories, essays, articles, word for word...in his head. From this I learned how powerful and precious words are and can be. He taught me how to play blackjack - and in it the valuable lesson about gambling...I was winning...big time...but he fueled my greed and had me keep playing until I lost everything. At the end he cautioned me that the pendulum always, ALWAYS swings both ways and that easy come is always easy go. The only real winning is in hard work.

Next, I'd love more time with my Japanese grandmother and grandfather. I wish I could have gotten to know them better - even when I was fluent in Japanese, I was too young to have the kind of conversation I'd love to have with them today. So for my hour, I'd love to have been a little older again in my teens, but with the same fluency of my younger days...and just get them to talk to me for the whole hour about - well - everything. I'd want to make sure they knew that I always felt so loved by them...and in that I learned confidence.

I don't know that I'd pick an hour where I'd do something differently. I'm not sure any decision I've made to this day has been that impacted by any one decision - at least not any I'm willing to change. If I never married the big A-hole, I wouldn't have my kids. If I didn't choose to stay in the States when my family went back overseas, I'd never have met my current friends or the big A-hole, etc.

And since I considered for a moment wishing I had spent more time with my Aunt Jackie before she died in April, I realize I take too many things for granted. It doesn't do me any good to wish I'd spent more time with her, I could have. I didn't. From this I have learned that I spend too much time thinking about things rather than doing them. I need to do more.

Where did my baby go?

2009-06-09T07:41:39Z

Traditionally I chronicle the birth stories of my kids on their birthdays.

Since I've detailed them out a few years in a row, this year I think I'll just recap the last year and add a few comments about my hopes for their futures.

So my dearest Jacob...some thoughts for you today as you celebrate the beginning of your 12th year.

This year was marked as your year of overcoming. I watched you face the challenges you've had socially and physically and conquer them. You no longer were the whipping boy of your peer group and you emerged a leader. You conquered fears of water, balance and physical control and became an adept swimmer, a kid who could race down the hill on a scooter top speed and finally one who can ride a bike!

From this I hope you have learned that there are no insurmountable obstacles or events, that you control your environment and yourself. I hope you take from this a more adventurous spirit that is willing to try and learn new things. I don't want you to be hindered by my over-protective nature. I want you to recognize that failure is only a learning experience and never permanent. I want you to realize that in failure is opportunity, and thus it should never be feared but embraced. You will fail. But it will serve to make the success that follows ever more sweet.

I have watched with ever growing admiration your maturity and kindness to others. I was so proud of you when you used your allowance to buy bike parts to fix the bikes of your friends whose parents couldn't afford new ones, and getting enough parts together to build a bike for the boy who never had one...all while you still didn't know how to ride one yet yourself. You knew from your own longing what it meant to have and ride a bike, and you fulfilled this wish for others at your own expense. I am so proud of you when I see you helping the younger kids in the neighborhood master skills it took you a while to learn, ever so patient and helpful. I am so proud of you when you sacrifice for others because you recognize how good it feels to do that.

I hope you never lose sight of who you are and how much you can do for others as well as for yourself. When I think of you I am filled with such pride. I don't take much credit for the person you are becoming...I know this is your nature and your own good sense. You've become who you are despite everything that conspired against you, fate, fortune and less than the best of circumstances. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have you for my son, but I am grateful. It is truly my honor to know you and my privilege to be your mom.

And I couldn't, even if I tried, fully express how very much I love you.

Happiest of Birthday wishes to you (even though I did all the work)!

Love, Mommy

causedujour @ 2009-06-02T21:32:00

2009-06-03T01:40:38Z

Hello, old friend.

I know I've neglected you quite a bit. I'm truly sorry. It is nice to find you here for me though, waiting. It's nice to know you're always here when I need you most. Empty white text box, my best friend. No judgements, no expectations.

I worry that I suffer from mental illness. Sometimes I feel so desperately alone and off-kilter. I don't know why I make some of the choices I do. I regret many decisions I've made. I feel like I've made so many mistakes and I don't have a clue where to start to fix them.

I'll be back.

Remembering Jackie

2009-05-07T00:44:07Z

There is a family story that involves me, at a wedding, intoxicated, dancing wildly alone in the middle of a dance floor to everyone's amusement. I know it's true, because there are pictures documenting the event. It could have been any number of days in my youth or past...

Except I was 2. It was at my aunt Jackie's wedding. No one told my mom the punch was spiked and she fed me bottle after bottle of the stuff.

Even though it was somewhat embarassing to hear the recount of that night's events at many a family gathering for years to come...my aunt always told the story in only the way she could, with grandeur and finesse...and a wink to the side to let you know it was ok.

I wanted to grow up and be just like aunt Jackie. She was smart. She remembered everything (I think she memorized the Trivia Pursuit game) and always seemed so put together. I admired her ability to connect and relate to people. A long time ago she shared with me that she used to like to write, so I used to share some of my early drafts of writing with her. She was a good critic.

When she had read something I'd written she'd always tell me that I got my talent for writing from her. Before I'd settled into the field of technical writing (to pay the bills) she used to encourage me to start writing my "great American novel". "But," she'd say, "when you use me as a character, make me more exciting!" Today I don't honestly know that I could. I don't think there are enough words to capture the essence of her life and who she was. She could be unconventional, but traditional. She was tough but compassionate. She was strong, determined but so very funny and full of life.

I don't think it ever felt real to me that she got sick. I don't think I ever believed that this was a battle she could lose. It just isn't possible to be that full of life and be sick. I listened to the updates I got from my family and just thought it couldn't possibly be that bad. I simply refused to accept that this could be final. It was just so surreal. I never believed she would die, I didn't think there was a force strong enough to take her.

Tonight I attended a Celebration of Life event held to honor her memory. My whole family was there, parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts...usually we are always for a reunion or happy occasion. Even at funerals we'd end up laughing because of something my aunt would do or say. I kept waiting to see her somewhere, telling a story...waving her arms around excitedly...planning something mischievous...that twinkle in her bright blue eyes. Not too long after we got there, her grandson Henry arrived. As he burst into the room he exclaimed in the most sing songy, innocent way only a young child can....

"TJ, where are you???"

That seemed to sum it up for me. I was looking for her tonight too. I suspect I'll still be looking for her for a long time. I'll miss you, aunt Jackie. You were one of a kind. The best kind.

Writer's Block: Heavenly Bodies

2009-04-09T03:11:06Z

If you discovered a new planet, what would you name it?

Submitted By thethicket

View 505 Answers

puranetto, of course.

color coded skittles

2009-03-14T17:04:18Z

Jake is cleaning the house. Well, 11 year old boy kind of cleaning the house, but at it nonetheless. He tidied up all the rooms. He swept floors and porches. He's dusted furniture and wiped down counters. He is in the kitchen doing the dishes. He already did his own chores early this morning, without so much as a reminder, in fact, before I even woke up he took the trash out and poop scooped the yard.

This is not good. Not good at all.

It means he wants something. He wants something really really bad. Judging by the herculean effort he is making to impress me, I have have a feeling it means this will be something EXPENSIVE.

The last time he bargained chores out with me, it meant a TV.

That he's doing it on his own BEFORE he talks to me? I'm scared.

I'm trying to think of all the magazines or books or websites he's been to the last month to guess what this monumental expense request is going to be. Any takers?

*****************************************

conversation with Hannah while she's brushing my hair

H: Mommy, you should cut your hair up to here (taps shoulders) you have too much split ends.
M: Yep. Plan on it. Soon.
H: Don't you wish you were a mermaid?
M: Not today Hannah, why?
H: Mermaids don't get split ends.
M: Huh?
H: It's true, mommy, didn't you ever see a mermaid's hair?
M: No, did you?
M: In fact, did you ever see a Mermaid?
H: No, but I know they are real.
M: How?
H: Because someone had to see one, it's crazy to just make up an idea about a fish person. Plus they found jewels at the bottom of the ocean that they KNOW comes from mermaid people.
M: Who's they?
H: *rolls eyes and spins mom's chair around to look directly at mommy* THEY are The People Who Know Everything. I am done with this conversation with you mommy. Brush your own hair.

Think someone is sending me signs?

2009-01-25T21:15:33Z

I never heard this song before but it was on the hitlist playlist 3 times TODAY.

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Called you up cause’ it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine,
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight,
I just wanna take a little breather.

Sorry - miserable

2009-01-25T02:03:56Z

I haven't eaten since Thursday and I haven't slept in close to 48 hours. Not for lack of trying. I can't keep anything down and while I'm so tired and I ache everywhere, sleep eludes me.

I feel ashamed for reasons I can't share but know they are valid reasons to feel shame, and failure...and I am not being hard on myself. I've actually excused myself for far too long for things that are inexcusable by any "good" standard.

I think one of the reasons why I work so much is because...only at work am I successful and good and accomplished.

My personal and family lives are a mess. And it's me and how I act/react to situations and people beneath me and around me, It's about behaviors I'm willing to tolerate and condone that I shouldn't. It's about how I act/react in certain scenarios.

But my Type A persona works doubly hard to make up for all of it so no one is wounded. I fix things. Sometimes I wonder if I intentionally let them break so I can be the fixer. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually fixing anything.

Today I think not. And worse, I feel broken too.

Week End Wrap Up

2009-01-24T15:12:52Z

Holiday - not for me
Inauguration
Horrible day - personal and professional
Horrible long day - professional
Even more horrible and more long day - personal and professional

Today I'd like to crawl into a hole. I don't want to look at anyone or do anything. I wish I could just disappear. And here is the cheese for my whine. I feel unloved and unlovable. And lost. And lonely.

Resolution

2009-01-18T23:51:36Z

...to get into better shape. I went to my friends Dan & Billie's 22nd anniversary party last night and danced more than half the night. Today, I ache everywhere. Someone should have reminded me during the cha cha slide that hopping was not going to feel good the next day. At all.

Insomniac theatre

2009-01-16T06:35:37Z

ok, so my project launch was delayed again...and again not because we weren't ready to go with it...but because of events out of my control.

Last week we got delayed because there were some last minute changes for one of the forms we built. I always find it amusing that our stakeholders in the project think that making these changes is as easy as editing a word document. Why can't we just slide a couple of new questions in? Why can't we just change this radio button selection to a multi-select drop down and follow up text box? Because, you moron, it's code...and it's a database...and when you change the parameters of a field in the database...or add/delete fields in the database...all the calls from the form have to be recoded as well. And then tested. Sheesh.

Hello. There's a reason we pay a developer, it involves lots of programming code...and code always requires testing. And us asking for a week to complete these significant changes? That's impressive. I'm guessing in a normal, IT supported environment, this would take a month or more. There really isn't a WYSYWG editor for programming code. But hey, wouldn't that be nice?

This week we are delayed because the homepage we wish to use to launch the form from, has no content except for the form. When we put together the vision for the page, we intended for it to have a lot of content. So far, no associated group has even finalized content for us to use. We were ok with that, the focal point being the form we built and some sensitivity surrounding the content we were asking for.

Not so, decided today, not a good idea to launch without content. So a content hunting we will go! A content hunting we will go! Hi, ho, the launch delay-o, a hunting we will go! Now there's an ear worm for you.

I'm hungry for spaghetti. I bet I could eat 3 bowls. I wouldn't feel good afterward, I'm sure, but I bet I could.

Of course, this delay only makes my life right now stressful-without-end. It's ok when there is a known end date to the stress, you know, you can plan and think, ok, I only need to get to HERE and then it will be over and I'll be ok. This delay runs for us into time we needed for another project, which needs to be delivered next week and CAN'T delayed because of budget constraints. While I keep telling people I will do nothing but sleep on Saturday, to make up for my maybe 2 hours a night lately, the truth is that I will probably work.

I want FIOS. It's not available in my area yet. I hate that.

And right now, I don't have to work, and I am so tired I should be sleeping, but I can't. I hate that too.

And I have a plan for my kids school situation, and I think it's the right one, but I just don't know. Lots of people have different opinions and you know what? They all make sense. What to do, what to do? Gah.

MEME - sorta random

2009-01-13T06:05:23Z

Stolen from a nephew's myspace because I have nothing I feel like writing about....even though I have lots I COULD write about - truthfully, it's just frustrating to keep thinking about it (for posterity, Jake's school issue, heavy workload).

Have you ever been a cheerleader?
I hate to admit to it, but yeah. Go team go! Rah rah! *ugh*

Who was your last text from?
My niece, Stephanie

Have you ever ran a red light or been in a car when someone did?
I'd love to know the person who truthfully answers this with a "no"

Do you have a job?
Of course

Are you afraid of needles?
Not anymore. I used to be, when I used to have to have blood drawn and nurses couldn't find my vein. Since then, I've learned to introduce them to old faithful.

What do you need to buy right now?
A house.

Do you like your life?
Yes.

Has anyone called you a bitch to your face?
More often than not.

Do you want any tattoos?
I think I do...but like everything else, I can't commit.

What was the highlight of your week?
I haven't had it yet. I hope.

Do you get along with girls?
Sure. I don't know that I always trust them as much as guys (in general), but I get along with them.

Last movie you saw in the theaters?
American Gangster. I know. I'm due for a movie night out.

Who do you currently hear?
Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex in the City is on in the background.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Of course not! (LOL - actually, probably)

What song is stuck in your head?
There once was a man named Michael Finnegan...

Are you afraid of falling in love?
Terrified.

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Both

How many windows are open on your computer?
15 - I'm supposed to be working

Do you like hugs?
Yep

Who gives the best hugs?
Little children.

How tall are you?
5'3 and 3/4. I've been pushing 5'4 since I was 12.

Is your hair up?
Nope

Ever stuck gum under a desk?
Not ever. Ick.

Ever kick something living?
Yep

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?
Yep

What is something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?
Having money again

What is annoying you right now?
Not having a lot of money, Jake's school, work deadlines

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe?

Is there stuff from your past that you miss?
Yes, so very very much

What is the last thing you yelled about?
The kids not going to bed

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Yup, new underwear?

What’s the last sporting event you watched?
Steelers/Chargers game

Ever go camping?
Every summer...all summer long

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Yep

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Who, me? ;-P

Are you someone's best friend?
I think so

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, working, working....all day on back to back con calls

Are you happy?
I think so

Are you jealous of anyone?
Sure!

Do you hate anyone right now?
No, it's just a waste of time

What's more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
Sunrise

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I'm still up, insomnia, heavy workload

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope

Do you know where you want to go to college?
And here's how we know the person who wrote these questions is still so young...

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Denny

Do you have the guts to tell the first person on your top how you feel?
LOL...this was from myspace...George is on my top there...and I tell him every day...for the most part.

Do you know what you want in life?
I thought I did, now I'm not so sure.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
I can honestly say that they never do, but that it usually works out in the end.

How long until your birthday?
Almost a year

What is the wall paper on your phone?
George, shirtless, sleeping

So I had this wierd dream when I took a nap this afternoon...

2009-01-08T20:27:44Z

Dream interpretations anyone?

I'm on some kind of ride, at Disney or something like that. Slow and through lots of scenery. I'm playing with my necklace and the small gold piece holding the charm to the chain pops off and lands in the prop/scenery. I'm not with George, I'm with Denny...

Actually I'm still WITH George, but on this ride, I'm with Denny. And I'm not behaving. I'm trying to convince him to do things with me I KNOW are not ok. In my dream, we start to get it on pretty hot and heavy...but then the ride comes back around to the part where my gold thingie popped off and I have to jump off the ride into the scenery to go look for it. I jump off the ride.

(The charm on my necklace is my half of the amulet George and I both wear)

I'm searching through this brushy stuff and there is ALL kinds of jewelry and treasure there, and I'm wondering why everyone's stuff pops off at this stage of the ride. I'm tempted to pick up a couple of the other pieces while I'm looking for my little gold thingie piece. A ride maintenance person approaches, scolding me for being off the ride and threatening to call the police. Security people arrive. I'm still looking for the piece and explaining to everyone that I need it because I can't replace it in the U.S. since it's 18K and everything around here sells only 10 and 14K.

Denny is defending me and holding people back while I search for the piece.

And then my cell phone starts ringing and I wake up. What a wierd dream! What does it MEAN?

Crazy work week...

2009-01-08T03:00:23Z

So I'd resolved to post everyday, at least something, and work just got in the way.

It's been a crazy hectic work week after a one week shutdown. I had a project that should have launched tomorrow, but because of a few last minute changes to the hard coding of the application, will have to be pushed out one week.

It's rough, because we still need to make deadlines for this quarter which ends in 3 weeks, for another project.

But...I am grateful to be working and I do love my job.

I have a house full again, my niece has moved in and we took in another friend who was left without a place for awhile. We've bunked the kids together in our upstairs middle bedroom to give the niece her own room (the kids were sleeping in the same room always anyway - they fight like cats and dogs but never like to be away from each other)...and we fixed up part of our basement to make room for the friend. I never mind when we have additional people living with us, it's always short term and I always like to think that in the event I was ever in their shoes, I'd also have somewhere to go.

I'm in the mood for an totally self-indulgent purchase. Of what, I don't know yet but I know it won't happen for about a month. :)

causedujour @ 2009-01-04T21:11:00

2009-01-05T02:25:27Z

Hmmm...

argued with George last night for a bit

felt a little bad about it in the morning so made him some breakfast in bed to apologize (not for what I said but the way I said it)

did some dishes

was too lazy to go get the paper which would have been an awesome thing to do, since I had no kids at home yet

called to check on the kids who absolutely were not ready to come home yet

played with the dogs

did some laundry

played on the internet

played mah jong medley

made some shrimp scampi

picked up the kids at Joanne's (George's sister) church evening service, stayed to watch David (George's nephew) sing.

And here's where my entry really begins. This church service is held in an outdoor "tent". It was so....I can't describe it. No one was dressed up....jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts...no made up faces, no big hair. There was patio furniture, plastic chairs, a wayward pew, for seating. People were walking around while people were speaking and it was so...unformal. But there was a really nice feeling there. I could go there again, just for that feeling.

No...I don't think I found God. But I think I found a community I'd be willing to listen to and maybe be a part of. They were extremely welcoming to my kids, not pushy.

I will have more thoughts on this later I think, as I digest. I'm not going all reglious on anyone here but we've had a string of odd coincidences lately that definitely have had me pushing up from the militant atheist stance to a maybe I'm an agnostic stance.

True to the title...

2009-01-04T09:47:34Z

insomniatic ramblings

I need fresh starts and new beginnings. Suffice it to say, there isn't a lot I share regarding some of the nuances of my life and that's actually a Good Thing.

I'm a little past the new year for resolutions, but here's one anyway.

I resolve not to waiver from my own sense of right and wrong. I will consider alternate viewpoints and experiences, I will evaluate and decide, but I will not compromise something I believe in anymore to satisfy anyone else. I have compromised too much, and that, I have discovered, is the root of the unhappiness I have felt over the last year.

And with knowing that...and having resolved something, I feel more like myself already.

The ancestors have succeeded in reaching me and giving me a very valuable gift. Thank you universe! Stay tuned for updates...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Writer's Block: From A to Z

2009-01-03T22:27:06Z

Using one word for each letter of the alphabet, make a list of the words you most associate with yourself or that you feel best describe you.

Submitted By mesila

View 504 Answers

Ambiguous
Benign
Catty
Damned
Egotistical
Frantic
Gregarious
Hopeful
Insomniac
Jealous
Kind
Loyal
Mommy
Nutty
Obsessive
Perfectionist
Quiet (ha ha)
Racy
Sarcastic
Testy
Useful
Versatile
Whiny
X-rated
Yearning
Zany

After all that...

2009-01-03T15:49:38Z

I can't for the life of me remember what I was dreaming last night! Argh!

Apparently this is the ancestral payback for failing to visit family yesterday.

I do have a vague recollection of walking out of the bathroom without my towel and having houseguests in the house. I was clever enough to sneak past everyone without anyone noticing.

What the heck is THAT supposed to mean?

Well, here I am again!

2009-01-03T03:44:41Z

...with absolutely nothing of importance or relevance to add to the story.

I refused to get up with George this morning for work. I didn't have to, and I didn't sleep all day yesterday like he did...so when his alarm went off and a few minutes later he mumbled, "honey did you start the coffee?" I said "no, did YOU?"

It was clearly an indication that I was not in the mood to wake up. He didn't get the hint. He kept talking about the coffee and I kept telling him I was too cold to get out of bed. It finally worked. I was off the hook. Know what I did after that? Color me complete slug. I slept until almost 2pm and got up only right before he got home from work. I haven't done that in forever. It was FABULOUS.

But I'm sure to be in trouble with the ancestors. Oh boy am I gonna be in trouble with the ancestors. Today is the day you are supposed to go out and visit with your family. I didn't go anywhere. Of course, I'm thinking, neither did any of them come to see me...and then I'm thinking, if we're all out...who is home to visit? I'm sure my mother will find a way to let me know how wrong my logic is, but, well....at least I'm rested enough now to face it.

So tonight is supposed to be the magical night the portal is open between living and dead and the ancestors can reach out to me through my dreams. They are supposed to give me a glimpse of my year to come. The only problem is that I can never remember the dream when I want to. I'm trying to think about it a lot today so I can remind myself to pay attention. Not that I believe any of it, really, but then, I've never tested it either. Look, my mom swears by this stuff...I'm guessing maybe she has some first hand experience.

I am having a bad mommy phase again. But truly, this is in the best interests of my kids.

I am letting my kids go with George's sister tomorrow instead of their dad. I encouraged it, but if they would have objected, I would send them to their dad's. The truth is, when they go for their twice monthly overnights with their dad, they don't actually really spend any time with him. They spend time with his girlfriend's 25 year old daughter (Dusty), who is mentally/emotionally still 12, and would rather be a boy. She convinces Jake they are a brotherhood. She tries to turn him against his sister. She also has a very warped idea of God and Christianity and tries to teach the kids her version. I'm ok with them learning about religion, they've expressed an interest recently...but I want them to learn about it from a source I trust.

Christianity that is filtered with a bit of white supremacy is not ok in my book. It's what Dusty believes in. Now George's sister lives the type of Christianity that I can't embrace for myself, but I believe is what Christianity should be. Non-judgmental, extremely helpful, kind, loving, open-armed. I've asked her to take my kids with her to her church. I trust her to do this with respect for my beliefs and to be honest in answering any questions they have. They want to go with her this weekend...so I'm letting them. Considering their dad has been known to go months (and one 2 year stretch) without so much as calling them...I'm guessing he won't even be offended.

ok, I have no clever closing, so that's it. :)

Resolution and random ramblings

2009-01-02T04:23:43Z

I love alliteration. Can you tell?

Phew, I almost didn't make it. I'd resolved to write something, ANYTHING, at least once a day.

I'd noticed my journal had lots of gaping holes in it when I was doing my year in review...and you know what? I couldn't for the life of me figure out what happened in those gaps...even in the more general sense of WHY there were gaps. It bothered me that a lot of the entries pre and post gaps had such a sense of doom and gloom to them.

So this year I resolved to fill in the gaps.

We had a very nice new years eve with family at home. Lots of guitar hero, lots of rockband, lots of DDR2, lots of snacks, lots of booze...everything in excess. But just the fact that I entered the new year surrounded by those I love the most...that means more to me than anything else. I love when they make time for me.

My kids (bio, god, step and the host of "adopted" nieces and nephews) always ask me what I want for birthday/xmas/random gift giving occasions and my standard answer for them has always been "time". Give me some of your time. I can buy or figure out how to buy anything else I need or want for myself. I can't buy or make time. Time is the most precious of gifts.

Today we were slugs. I am convinced this is because we entered the new year without all the preparation I should have been doing. It couldn't possibly be because we drank too much. It was a very lazy day all around with absolutely nothing accomplished. I hope this isn't going to be reflective of how my year will be. Still, since I am that person who is always doing too much, maybe it is a Good Thing.

Still...I didn't eat chicken today...and I didn't do wash...and I ate my requisite pork and sauerkraut. No sense taking too many chances. I was also the chicken police last night, stripping the guests of any remnants of the wings we had at about 5 minutes to midnight. No bad luck bringing on yourselves on MY watch! No sir!

In a complete act of rebellion, my niece did a load of wash today at my home! I warned her that there is no laundering to be done on the first day of the new year or you will wash away your good fortune. She thinks I'm crazy. You better believe I will remind her all year whenever anything goes wrong (and something always does) that she brought it on herself because she did laundry today. Heck, I might even blame anything that goes wrong for ME on HER. That'll teach her!

I hope everyone had a wonderful entry into the New Year and I wish you all the most safe, happy, prosperous and healthy of all years...a bright and hopeful 2009. ~jo