Traditionally I chronicle the birth stories of my kids on their birthdays.

Since I've detailed them out a few years in a row, this year I think I'll just recap the last year and add a few comments about my hopes for their futures.

So my dearest Jacob...some thoughts for you today as you celebrate the beginning of your 12th year.

This year was marked as your year of overcoming. I watched you face the challenges you've had socially and physically and conquer them. You no longer were the whipping boy of your peer group and you emerged a leader. You conquered fears of water, balance and physical control and became an adept swimmer, a kid who could race down the hill on a scooter top speed and finally one who can ride a bike!

From this I hope you have learned that there are no insurmountable obstacles or events, that you control your environment and yourself. I hope you take from this a more adventurous spirit that is willing to try and learn new things. I don't want you to be hindered by my over-protective nature. I want you to recognize that failure is only a learning experience and never permanent. I want you to realize that in failure is opportunity, and thus it should never be feared but embraced. You will fail. But it will serve to make the success that follows ever more sweet.

I have watched with ever growing admiration your maturity and kindness to others. I was so proud of you when you used your allowance to buy bike parts to fix the bikes of your friends whose parents couldn't afford new ones, and getting enough parts together to build a bike for the boy who never had one...all while you still didn't know how to ride one yet yourself. You knew from your own longing what it meant to have and ride a bike, and you fulfilled this wish for others at your own expense. I am so proud of you when I see you helping the younger kids in the neighborhood master skills it took you a while to learn, ever so patient and helpful. I am so proud of you when you sacrifice for others because you recognize how good it feels to do that.

I hope you never lose sight of who you are and how much you can do for others as well as for yourself. When I think of you I am filled with such pride. I don't take much credit for the person you are becoming...I know this is your nature and your own good sense. You've become who you are despite everything that conspired against you, fate, fortune and less than the best of circumstances. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have you for my son, but I am grateful. It is truly my honor to know you and my privilege to be your mom.

And I couldn't, even if I tried, fully express how very much I love you.

Happiest of Birthday wishes to you (even though I did all the work)!

Love, Mommy

Hello, old friend.

I know I've neglected you quite a bit. I'm truly sorry. It is nice to find you here for me though, waiting. It's nice to know you're always here when I need you most. Empty white text box, my best friend. No judgements, no expectations.

I worry that I suffer from mental illness. Sometimes I feel so desperately alone and off-kilter. I don't know why I make some of the choices I do. I regret many decisions I've made. I feel like I've made so many mistakes and I don't have a clue where to start to fix them.

I'll be back.

There is a family story that involves me, at a wedding, intoxicated, dancing wildly alone in the middle of a dance floor to everyone's amusement. I know it's true, because there are pictures documenting the event. It could have been any number of days in my youth or past...

Except I was 2. It was at my aunt Jackie's wedding. No one told my mom the punch was spiked and she fed me bottle after bottle of the stuff.

Even though it was somewhat embarassing to hear the recount of that night's events at many a family gathering for years to come...my aunt always told the story in only the way she could, with grandeur and finesse...and a wink to the side to let you know it was ok.

I wanted to grow up and be just like aunt Jackie. She was smart. She remembered everything (I think she memorized the Trivia Pursuit game) and always seemed so put together. I admired her ability to connect and relate to people. A long time ago she shared with me that she used to like to write, so I used to share some of my early drafts of writing with her. She was a good critic.

When she had read something I'd written she'd always tell me that I got my talent for writing from her. Before I'd settled into the field of technical writing (to pay the bills) she used to encourage me to start writing my "great American novel". "But," she'd say, "when you use me as a character, make me more exciting!" Today I don't honestly know that I could. I don't think there are enough words to capture the essence of her life and who she was. She could be unconventional, but traditional. She was tough but compassionate. She was strong, determined but so very funny and full of life.

I don't think it ever felt real to me that she got sick. I don't think I ever believed that this was a battle she could lose. It just isn't possible to be that full of life and be sick. I listened to the updates I got from my family and just thought it couldn't possibly be that bad. I simply refused to accept that this could be final. It was just so surreal. I never believed she would die, I didn't think there was a force strong enough to take her.

Tonight I attended a Celebration of Life event held to honor her memory. My whole family was there, parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts...usually we are always for a reunion or happy occasion. Even at funerals we'd end up laughing because of something my aunt would do or say. I kept waiting to see her somewhere, telling a story...waving her arms around excitedly...planning something mischievous...that twinkle in her bright blue eyes. Not too long after we got there, her grandson Henry arrived. As he burst into the room he exclaimed in the most sing songy, innocent way only a young child can....

"TJ, where are you???"

That seemed to sum it up for me. I was looking for her tonight too. I suspect I'll still be looking for her for a long time. I'll miss you, aunt Jackie. You were one of a kind. The best kind.

puranetto, of course.

Jake is cleaning the house. Well, 11 year old boy kind of cleaning the house, but at it nonetheless. He tidied up all the rooms. He swept floors and porches. He's dusted furniture and wiped down counters. He is in the kitchen doing the dishes. He already did his own chores early this morning, without so much as a reminder, in fact, before I even woke up he took the trash out and poop scooped the yard.

This is not good. Not good at all.

It means he wants something. He wants something really really bad. Judging by the herculean effort he is making to impress me, I have have a feeling it means this will be something EXPENSIVE.

The last time he bargained chores out with me, it meant a TV.

That he's doing it on his own BEFORE he talks to me? I'm scared.

I'm trying to think of all the magazines or books or websites he's been to the last month to guess what this monumental expense request is going to be. Any takers?

*****************************************

conversation with Hannah while she's brushing my hair

H: Mommy, you should cut your hair up to here (taps shoulders) you have too much split ends.
M: Yep. Plan on it. Soon.
H: Don't you wish you were a mermaid?
M: Not today Hannah, why?
H: Mermaids don't get split ends.
M: Huh?
H: It's true, mommy, didn't you ever see a mermaid's hair?
M: No, did you?
M: In fact, did you ever see a Mermaid?
H: No, but I know they are real.
M: How?
H: Because someone had to see one, it's crazy to just make up an idea about a fish person. Plus they found jewels at the bottom of the ocean that they KNOW comes from mermaid people.
M: Who's they?
H: *rolls eyes and spins mom's chair around to look directly at mommy* THEY are The People Who Know Everything. I am done with this conversation with you mommy. Brush your own hair.

I never heard this song before but it was on the hitlist playlist 3 times TODAY.

( Hinder – Without You )

I haven't eaten since Thursday and I haven't slept in close to 48 hours. Not for lack of trying. I can't keep anything down and while I'm so tired and I ache everywhere, sleep eludes me.

I feel ashamed for reasons I can't share but know they are valid reasons to feel shame, and failure...and I am not being hard on myself. I've actually excused myself for far too long for things that are inexcusable by any "good" standard.

I think one of the reasons why I work so much is because...only at work am I successful and good and accomplished.

My personal and family lives are a mess. And it's me and how I act/react to situations and people beneath me and around me, It's about behaviors I'm willing to tolerate and condone that I shouldn't. It's about how I act/react in certain scenarios.

But my Type A persona works doubly hard to make up for all of it so no one is wounded. I fix things. Sometimes I wonder if I intentionally let them break so I can be the fixer. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually fixing anything.

Today I think not. And worse, I feel broken too.

Holiday - not for me
Inauguration
Horrible day - personal and professional
Horrible long day - professional
Even more horrible and more long day - personal and professional

Today I'd like to crawl into a hole. I don't want to look at anyone or do anything. I wish I could just disappear. And here is the cheese for my whine. I feel unloved and unlovable. And lost. And lonely.

...to get into better shape. I went to my friends Dan & Billie's 22nd anniversary party last night and danced more than half the night. Today, I ache everywhere. Someone should have reminded me during the cha cha slide that hopping was not going to feel good the next day. At all.

Stolen from a nephew's myspace because I have nothing I feel like writing about....even though I have lots I COULD write about - truthfully, it's just frustrating to keep thinking about it (for posterity, Jake's school issue, heavy workload).

( Random MEME Stuff )

Dream interpretations anyone?

I'm on some kind of ride, at Disney or something like that. Slow and through lots of scenery. I'm playing with my necklace and the small gold piece holding the charm to the chain pops off and lands in the prop/scenery. I'm not with George, I'm with Denny...

( read on )

And then my cell phone starts ringing and I wake up. What a wierd dream! What does it MEAN?

So I'd resolved to post everyday, at least something, and work just got in the way.

It's been a crazy hectic work week after a one week shutdown. I had a project that should have launched tomorrow, but because of a few last minute changes to the hard coding of the application, will have to be pushed out one week.

It's rough, because we still need to make deadlines for this quarter which ends in 3 weeks, for another project.

But...I am grateful to be working and I do love my job.

I have a house full again, my niece has moved in and we took in another friend who was left without a place for awhile. We've bunked the kids together in our upstairs middle bedroom to give the niece her own room (the kids were sleeping in the same room always anyway - they fight like cats and dogs but never like to be away from each other)...and we fixed up part of our basement to make room for the friend. I never mind when we have additional people living with us, it's always short term and I always like to think that in the event I was ever in their shoes, I'd also have somewhere to go.

I'm in the mood for an totally self-indulgent purchase. Of what, I don't know yet but I know it won't happen for about a month. :)

Hmmm...( Sunday, Sunday )

insomniatic ramblings ( right here )

Ambiguous
Benign
Catty
Damned
Egotistical
Frantic
Gregarious
Hopeful
Insomniac
Jealous
Kind
Loyal
Mommy
Nutty
Obsessive
Perfectionist
Quiet (ha ha)
Racy
Sarcastic
Testy
Useful
Versatile
Whiny
X-rated
Yearning
Zany

I can't for the life of me remember what I was dreaming last night! Argh!

Apparently this is the ancestral payback for failing to visit family yesterday.

I do have a vague recollection of walking out of the bathroom without my towel and having houseguests in the house. I was clever enough to sneak past everyone without anyone noticing.

What the heck is THAT supposed to mean?

...with absolutely nothing of importance or relevance to add to the story.

I refused to get up with George this morning for work. I didn't have to, and I didn't sleep all day yesterday like he did...so when his alarm went off and a few minutes later he mumbled, "honey did you start the coffee?" I said "no, did YOU?"

It was clearly an indication that I was not in the mood to wake up. He didn't get the hint. He kept talking about the coffee and I kept telling him I was too cold to get out of bed. It finally worked. I was off the hook. Know what I did after that? Color me complete slug. I slept until almost 2pm and got up only right before he got home from work. I haven't done that in forever. It was FABULOUS.

But I'm sure to be in trouble with the ancestors. Oh boy am I gonna be in trouble with the ancestors. Today is the day you are supposed to go out and visit with your family. I didn't go anywhere. Of course, I'm thinking, neither did any of them come to see me...and then I'm thinking, if we're all out...who is home to visit? I'm sure my mother will find a way to let me know how wrong my logic is, but, well....at least I'm rested enough now to face it.

So tonight is supposed to be the magical night the portal is open between living and dead and the ancestors can reach out to me through my dreams. They are supposed to give me a glimpse of my year to come. The only problem is that I can never remember the dream when I want to. I'm trying to think about it a lot today so I can remind myself to pay attention. Not that I believe any of it, really, but then, I've never tested it either. Look, my mom swears by this stuff...I'm guessing maybe she has some first hand experience.

I am having a bad mommy phase again. But truly, this is in the best interests of my kids.

I am letting my kids go with George's sister tomorrow instead of their dad. I encouraged it, but if they would have objected, I would send them to their dad's. The truth is, when they go for their twice monthly overnights with their dad, they don't actually really spend any time with him. They spend time with his girlfriend's 25 year old daughter (Dusty), who is mentally/emotionally still 12, and would rather be a boy. She convinces Jake they are a brotherhood. She tries to turn him against his sister. She also has a very warped idea of God and Christianity and tries to teach the kids her version. I'm ok with them learning about religion, they've expressed an interest recently...but I want them to learn about it from a source I trust.

Christianity that is filtered with a bit of white supremacy is not ok in my book. It's what Dusty believes in. Now George's sister lives the type of Christianity that I can't embrace for myself, but I believe is what Christianity should be. Non-judgmental, extremely helpful, kind, loving, open-armed. I've asked her to take my kids with her to her church. I trust her to do this with respect for my beliefs and to be honest in answering any questions they have. They want to go with her this weekend...so I'm letting them. Considering their dad has been known to go months (and one 2 year stretch) without so much as calling them...I'm guessing he won't even be offended.

ok, I have no clever closing, so that's it. :)

I love alliteration. Can you tell?

Phew, I almost didn't make it. I'd resolved to write something, ANYTHING, at least once a day.

I'd noticed my journal had lots of gaping holes in it when I was doing my year in review...and you know what? I couldn't for the life of me figure out what happened in those gaps...even in the more general sense of WHY there were gaps. It bothered me that a lot of the entries pre and post gaps had such a sense of doom and gloom to them.

So this year I resolved to fill in the gaps.

We had a very nice new years eve with family at home. Lots of guitar hero, lots of rockband, lots of DDR2, lots of snacks, lots of booze...everything in excess. But just the fact that I entered the new year surrounded by those I love the most...that means more to me than anything else. I love when they make time for me.

My kids (bio, god, step and the host of "adopted" nieces and nephews) always ask me what I want for birthday/xmas/random gift giving occasions and my standard answer for them has always been "time". Give me some of your time. I can buy or figure out how to buy anything else I need or want for myself. I can't buy or make time. Time is the most precious of gifts.

Today we were slugs. I am convinced this is because we entered the new year without all the preparation I should have been doing. It couldn't possibly be because we drank too much. It was a very lazy day all around with absolutely nothing accomplished. I hope this isn't going to be reflective of how my year will be. Still, since I am that person who is always doing too much, maybe it is a Good Thing.

Still...I didn't eat chicken today...and I didn't do wash...and I ate my requisite pork and sauerkraut. No sense taking too many chances. I was also the chicken police last night, stripping the guests of any remnants of the wings we had at about 5 minutes to midnight. No bad luck bringing on yourselves on MY watch! No sir!

In a complete act of rebellion, my niece did a load of wash today at my home! I warned her that there is no laundering to be done on the first day of the new year or you will wash away your good fortune. She thinks I'm crazy. You better believe I will remind her all year whenever anything goes wrong (and something always does) that she brought it on herself because she did laundry today. Heck, I might even blame anything that goes wrong for ME on HER. That'll teach her!

I hope everyone had a wonderful entry into the New Year and I wish you all the most safe, happy, prosperous and healthy of all years...a bright and hopeful 2009. ~jo

Yeah, well, I know "Hannah again" but it's not the new year yet.

"Mommy, are we having ring bologna at NY eve? We always have cut up ring bologna on NY eve. Are we? Please? Yay! I love love love ring bologna. Almost as much as you."

She thinks for a minute.

"Well, maybe the same."

Oh...there is a Jake story. Christmas day - my sister's family got a Wii. She drilled me about it earlier in the day...are you sure it's plug and play? Easy to hook up and start playing? I assured her it was all true.

Some hours later, I hear from sister again. She's beyond frustrated, as only she can get. She is saying something to me about language screen and pressing something on the controller and not getting any response.

I tell her I'll let her talk to the expert, and hand the phone to my son, her 11 year old nephew.

Jake listens as she rants again, and I'm reminded of the sound of the adults on the phone in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. mwah mwah muah muah....

My son gets a concentrated look on his face, and very calmly, in true tech geek help desk fashion, asks her if she's remembered to plug in the sensor.

"Well, Aunt Nikki, you sort of need to do that," he says. "Yep."

I, for one, will never let her live that down. :)